State of my mind: 1.01

Nothing in life is easy if you are not in control of it. Maybe control is a strong word, but maybe there is no other word that has the measure to dictate what you want to do.

Control of the things you do. Control of the things you own. In control of the situation around you. Control of your mind, your body and everything else that you can think of. 

Yes I am a control freak. Someone who wants the things to fall into place just as I had thought and wanted it to be. I don’t care much about what others do or say, but if they come in my way then there are things that they need to do. I don’t think I am a perfectionist. I believe that people and things around are imperfect and they never ought to be just right. I don’t think I can perfect something without practicing it enough, but I do not have time or patience to practice most of the things I think.

I leave it to my improvisation. I improvise on everything. I love data and research. I think they are a delight to prove a point. Or to debate it. But never do I not improvise and use my gut feel to reach to conclusions. I hate it though when others tell me what I really should do. Even though if I initiated the guiding process. I always end up thinking that they never really completely understand my point or my point of view. So I care less about the advice that they give me.

I am complex. Complex in a mesh of simplicity. I have simple solution to everything but there are so many things that I consider when I have to make a decision that all these simplicity wires get caught up among themselves and lead to a complex web. Pull the knot and the web will collapse as a single thread.

I love relationships. A relationship with a friend, family, a potential lover or a colleague. But in every relationship I have, there are very few people who knows that I like to stay in my shell for most of the times. That I like to be disconnected for a while not share a thing and simply let the them build relationship with others. So that I could feel like I have been neglected. I love that feeling. Its pure. and that’s when I build relationship with the next set of people. And, you guessed it, repeat the cycle again. I really love relationships I tell ya.

I like to abandon everything. Abandon the people, ideologies, things that frustrate me. Everything that is to be abandoned. I only wonder how I got this trait. My family and my friends have never abandoned me. But somehow I like to leave things and start doing new things and then abandon them too. Maybe it is because the life has been unfair to me when I was 7 years old. I cant abandon my life but I sure like to abandon other things & people.

I am pretty harmless to others. I do not let me them feel bad even though its their fault. I infact take the privilege of hurting myself. Taking the consequences of things on me. Because at times I cant justify why I am not at fault. Maybe I accept my mistakes too easily and find my fault in everything and own it up and make others seem like less of a mistake. But I leave no gaps in criticizing others or myself.